Assorted tips in B.F. Johnson's new book, Marketing: I Haven't Done It Myself, But How Difficult Can It Be?
1) Start press releases with an obvious grammatical error. Your reader will be so surprised that he'll read down to the end of the letter to see if you've made other stupid mistakes.
2) Regardless of the topic of your print advertisement, you can't go wrong with a picture of a pig with a curly tail.
3) Use lingo like "down wit that," "aww yeah," "homies," and "in the house."
4) Buy a 30-second TV spot. Have the spot be nothing but a full green television screen. You will have your audience's attention, I tell you what! (Note: this is a particularly useful tip if the name of your company is Full Green Television Screen.)
5) Hire Charles Nelson Reilly as a spokesperson.
6) For ritzy companies: Have pens made up with your company's name and logo on them. Give them out to the poor and homeless. When they win the lottery, they'll be sure to remember your product.
7) The easiest way to get your company's name on page one: During a parade, hand out poisoned candy to children.
8) Do product placements for sermons.
9) Overthrow the government of a small country. Rename the country after your company. Think of all the free advertising: maps, atlases, encyclopedias, globes, social studies textbooks.
10) Spraypaint your company's name in low-graffiti areas.
11) Buy the domain name debbiegibsonissexy.com.
oh so lovingly written by
Matthew |
i sincerely do not know what you are doing here. are you lost? were you
looking for your delicate calico cat, and did you follow her up two flights of stairs
to this room? she is not here. she was here, yes. we gave her a warm bowl of milk, we talked with her about campaign finance reform for a time, and then she bid us good day. i believe she was
going to the post office two blocks down, but i don't quite recall.
for surely you did
not find your way from prinsiana, the least traveled site on
the internet. if you did, though, perhaps you are looking for humor. perhaps you are looking for profundity. perhaps you are looking for answers.
i'm sorry, but you shall go naught-for-three.
